5 Months Sober

5 months sober. Work events with free alcohol have been the toughest situations I’ve dealt with up to this point. I’m on a business trip right now, and yesterday I struggled as my coworkers and I went to a craft beer joint. And of course, the person next to me ordered a flight of IPAs (my favorite!) It was Leap Day and I almost justified having a drink because Leap Day doesn’t count as a real day, right?

What makes it harder is having started a new job and feeling really nervous about the whole transition. I suffer from anxiety/depression, and for the past couple of months my anxiety/depression has tried to convince me that I’m in over my head, I don’t know this industry and won’t ever know it, I will fail at this job, and my life/finances will be ruined.

The fact is, things are finally going really well in my life (better than they ever have) and my anxiety/depression is telling me that things never go this well and it’s not going to last. It can’t last. I’m bound to lose it all. I am really, really freaking out about it. I feel particularly anxious in the evenings and would LOVE to drown my feelings with alcohol.

That’s my real problem with alcohol: I’ve used it to drown my feelings. I like drowning my feelings, because my feelings suck and they bring me down. But I’m starting to realize that some feelings are normal. It’s okay to feel nervous about a new job. It’s okay to worry if I will measure up. Those are feelings that will help me strive to become better.

I just need to find a better balance with my feelings. To recognize the healthy and unhealthy ones. And to combat the unhealthy ones in healthy ways (not with alcohol!).

This became longer than I wanted it to be. Maybe you can relate. If so, I’m thinking about you and praying for you. This shit is hard.


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