This is Part 2 of a series of throwback journals. Read Part 1.
Warning: Some mild sexual content (Don’t read this, Mum).
Fuck Dick. Fuck him for being so God damned obedient to scripture. Today he asked me if I “pleasure myself” and I said yes. How stupid can I be? I shouldn’t have even told him.
He started going off about how scripture says that it’s wrong and all. Well I don’t care. I don’t see the big deal. I’m not hurting anybody. Not even God.
SIN, SIN, FUCKING SIN. Everything to Dick is a sin.
He needs to loosen up. We went to a movie tonight and he kept trying to cover my eyes during the nudity. The movie showed only a little flesh. Not even significant parts. I just wanted to yell at him in the middle of the theater, “FUCKING STOP!”
Christ, I’m a big girl. I’ve seen a bunch of nude bodies in movies, paintings, and real life and I’m totally fucking over it. Looking at a body doesn’t even turn me on at all… it’s just a human body. It’s beautiful and all, but I’m not going to get all wet over it or anything. I simply see a human body as art. As a work of art by God.
Who is Dick to tell me what’s right and what’s wrong? I don’t know, but I can’t help but listen to him because I love him. My love makes me weak and therefore I barely argue with him. I just get depressed. Like I am right now.
I know he’s right. I know God’s right. But sometimes I don’t like what God likes. I can’t help it. Some rules were meant to not be abided by. I mean, why can’t God understand this?
I’m so lonely. Nobody calls and I have practically nobody to call. Perhaps I’m exaggerating, but it seems like nobody likes me anymore. I’m so scared of losing everybody.
1/1/2002. New Year’s Day.
My New Year’s Eve was depressing. Rebecca, Jenn, and Melissa didn’t invite me out with them because apparently I “don’t drink anymore, so [I] wouldn’t want to come.” I still drink, just not as much as I used to.
I don’t care. I just wanted to spend time with them. But they decided to not invite me out with them anyway. They’re so fake that they can’t even admit they dislike me. They’ll probably pretend everything is okay the next time they see me. Fucking cowards.
Then I got into an argument with Dick over this and he concluded that he was, quote, “Tired of [my] games. Bye.”
I cut myself a few times, took a few Sominex, and went to bed around 9:30. I didn’t care about the New Year. I didn’t care about watching the ball drop on TV. I didn’t care about eating Chinese food and staying up until midnight to ring 2002 in… I had nobody to experience it with anyway.
I hate everyone except my family. They’re the only ones who care. Not even God cares anymore.
I miss Dick. I want to call him, but I don’t know if I should because he’s the one who hung up on me. Therefore, he should call me back.
I have such a big pride issue. I feel like I will be giving in to some weakness I have for him and will therefore allow him to walk all over me. I don’t want that.
But I love him.
I think it is love. I imagine myself spending the rest of my life with him. I’m so scared that if I don’t spend the rest of my life with him then I won’t find anybody else and I’ll be lonely forever.
I don’t know what to do except cry. I don’t want to be alone. I’m so afraid to lose him. Will anybody ever love me like this again? Will I ever love again? What is love?
Top Things That Are Bad About Dick:
- He’s pushy.
- More than half of my friends don’t like him and think I shouldn’t be with him.
- He doesn’t appreciate the things I appreciate.
- He criticizes me all the time.
- He has incredibly high expectations that I can’t live up to.
- He doesn’t know how to do anything domestic, such as laundry, ironing, or dishes.
- He can’t tolerate my mood swings.
- He thinks I’m trying to offend him when I wear something he doesn’t like.
- He has bad taste in movies and music.
- He doesn’t understand me.
- He is chauvinistic.
- His mother buys his clothes for him (he doesn’t know his own sizes).
- He drives crazy when he’s mad and won’t slow down when I ask him to.
- He gets mad over trivial things.
- He complains that I never call him, even though he knows I hate talking on the phone.
- He gets jealous easily.
- He thinks he should have more priority than my friends.
- I can’t act like myself around him.
- A lot of his friends are superficial, ignorant assholes.
- He gets mad when I don’t invite him out with my friends.
- He makes it a point to hang out with my friends without me, even though they’re MY friends.
- He gets horny and expects me to “take care of him,” because if I don’t, I don’t love him.
- He is trying to convince me to attend school somewhere nearby, even though I totally don’t want to.
- No one makes me feel as bad or guilty as he does.
- He can’t accept the fact that sometimes I have a bad day.
- He thinks I “can’t deal with life.”
- He’s arrogant.
- He thinks that just because a guy has a nice car and is attractive, he will have no problem getting a girlfriend.
- Whenever I tell him about another guy, the first two questions he asks are: “Is he bigger than me?” and “What kind of car does he drive?” Like it matters.
- He sees nothing wrong with women who dress like prostitutes, even though he wants me to dress appropriately for church.
- He thinks I’m “weird.”
Part 3 will be posted next Thursday, documenting when I made the best decision of my life: leaving Dick.