Some Days

me

Some days you just want to
crawl into a bottle and disappear
but you know you can’t
without ruining everything.

Some days you wonder why you’re this way.
Everything is perfect.
You aren’t poor,
You aren’t starving,
but your spirit aches.

You want to push everybody away
but at the same time
you want to hold them
and to be held.

But some days you feel
It’s better for them
if you push them away.

You look to poets for answers.
You look to Hemingway.
They are the only ones who understand.
But then you see how they ended up
and feel doomed.

And you’ve felt doomed since birth
for reasons you couldn’t understand
until you spent years and thousands of dollars in therapy.

You don’t let many in
and those you let in you feel sorry for.
You don’t want to give birth to any.
You don’t want to risk spreading the curse.
But inevitably you do,
because people want to love you
and you want to be loved.

You learn to pretend.
You shut out all the ugliness
in favor of fun.
Anything that isn’t fun
isn’t for you
because it forces you to confront it.

Every day is a new performance
and you become so good at faking it
you deserve an Academy.
But when you’re alone
you look at the character you created
in the mirror
and can’t remember who’s beneath it.

No amount of pills
or exercise
or therapy
or friendship
or family bond
can cure it.

It lurks around every corner
ready to rear its ugly head
in something someone said
in something you saw
in something you screwed up
in something you misinterpreted
(which you always do).

It’s nobody’s fault.

God makes it better some days
and you’re grateful.
Some days are good.
Some days are amazing.
But some days are not
and you don’t wish those days on anyone.

Just keep everyone at arm’s length
so they don’t get infected too.

And keep hoping
for healing.

ocean

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2 thoughts on “Some Days”

  1. Those are the times you seek out someone who knows EXACTLY where you’re at – just sit quietly with them and know you’re not alone!

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