Five Stupid Reasons I Want to Off Myself

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I’m 29, and I had a bad day yesterday. Sometimes on bad days, I want to off myself for silly reasons. Like:

1. I have to actually put in effort to care for my body.

I hit the metabolism lottery, okay? That all changed when I started taking a medicine that can make me gain a lot of weight if I’m not careful. So, oh my God, I actually have to hit the gym 6-7 days a week now, and feel anorexic until I get to my target weight. So essentially, I have to do what the majority of people I know have done for years. WAH.

2. Drinking is no longer fun.

Drinking used to be fun. Now it just makes me feel sick, depressed, and regretful. And since I’m watching my damn calories, that means no more Man-O-Manischewitz for moi.

3. I’m not having babies.

I don’t want babies. But you know, I’m getting to “that age” where “the clock is ticking,” so I’m constantly being asked about it, then am pitied by smug Moms who say having children was the best thing they ever did. I don’t care. I’m not creating a person just so I can find myself.

4. I can’t afford anything I “should” be able to afford by now.

I’m 29. Why can’t I afford a house? Why can’t I afford to travel to Ireland? Why can’t I afford to get my roots done? Why can’t I afford the hairspray I want, because my overgrown bangs keep getting in my face and my cowlick makes life freakin’ impossible? WHY. Because of debt. Stupid higher education. Who needs you?

5. Yesterday contained zero excitement, which is no different from most days.

This was my day yesterday:

Woke up.


Put on makeup.

Dried hair.


Lamented my existence and the fact that no one reads my damn blog.

Went to the gym.

Hated every minute.

Read more of John Adams by David McCollough.

Wished I was as awesome as John and Abigail Adams were.

Told myself I was a pansy for only doing 20 minutes on the elliptical.

Watched a parody video of Taylor Swift’s “Feelin’ 22” called “Feelin’ 32” on BuzzFeed.

Felt somewhat better.

Checked the calories of Jameson Irish Whisky.



Wrote this.


23 thoughts on “Five Stupid Reasons I Want to Off Myself”

  1. The only thing I saw in it was how you want to go to Ireland. OMG! I LOVE IRELAND LIKE IT WAS THE HOME I NEVER KNEW. I’ve been there twice, and both times it was such an amazing experience. I felt like I was meditating just being there. But, seriously, though, about the rest of it. You showered yesterday. Cool.

    1. Awesome! My husband and I are going to plan a trip with a bunch of our friends soon, but will have to plan it in a couple of years so we can save enough, have enough time off, etc. That’s awesome you got to go twice! I would really love to see where my ancestors were from, etc. And yeah, I showered. YAY!!! (LOL).

      1. My wife and I went there on our honeymoon, and it was such a powerful, amazing trip. Maybe we could all head there together whenever you decide to get your ass over there yourself! No clue where my ancestors were from, but I like to think Ireland was the place. And let me guess, you sing in the shower? LOL. As for the biological clock debate, you should be allowed to not want kids. Sheesh!

      2. Well we are actually planning a group trip through Go Ahead Tours, and of course, the more people the better. It will probably be a bunch of 30-something folks like us. So we’ll let you know! Sometimes I sing in the shower. πŸ™‚ And I know, right?

      3. How did you know I was a 30-something? LOL. Anyway, that sounds great. Just let me know. I took a group of students to England, Ireland and Wales on a group tour in 2008 and it was a blast. Those tour buses are HUGE. And I sing in the shower all the time. It’s the best! πŸ˜‰

      1. There you go! Mutual Admiration Society.
        It’s a continuous mystery to me how I seem to attract very serious people, some beautiful poets. I just rant and rail, and have fun. Then I get people such as yourself reading me, and I do not know why.
        I don’t lose sleep over this. I’m happy and contented with this state of affairs. It’s terrific.
        Still a mystery. But thank you

      2. Oh I’m not too serious. I haven’t shared much of my fun side yet, but since it seems to get a better response, I will. You are a wonderful writer and I am honored that you bother to read my blog. You remind me a bit of Bukowski, whom I love to read. Keep ranting and railing!

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